Jerry Lindquist: Saying farewell to The Diamond

Say this for your Richmond Flying Squirrels:

They know how to throw a party. Now, if only they could play baseball.

On Sept. 14, before a crowd listed as a sellout (9,810), the rodents kissed The Diamond goodbye, and did it in typically Squirrel style — losing the game, but hardly anyone cared, or for that matter, noticed … there was so much stuff going on.

And here we thought The Master Magician of Misdirection, TODD PARNELL, had retired, settling down at his beach-house retreat, but no-o-o. Wrong again, old-timer.

Maybe it was just for the occasion, a one-off appearance, back by popular demand … but good-old Parney was there, signature pants-of-many-colors and all, the ring master of the three-ring circus-like atmosphere he created 15 years ago (when the team formerly known as Defenders arrived from Norwich, Conn.) to make the local ball yard THE place to be during the summer.

I mean, where else would fans turn out in record numbers for the last series of another season of mediocre (playoff-less) baseball?  More than three hours before Sunday’s scheduled first pitch at 1:30 p.m.,  they began lining up at the 40-year-old concrete monstrosity  … egged on by a bobblehead giveaway (to the first 2,000 through the gates) honoring, in a nice Parney-like touch, long-time fan RAY EDWARDS.

Once inside they were treated to virtually non-stop entertainment, led by you-know-who … who fittingly was the last of many to throw out the ceremonial first pitches, most of whom were youngsters — which is what the game should be all about.

Once a marvel of ingenuity and class, built from scratch and ready to go (well, almost anyway) without skipping a beat from one season to the next, The Diamond had insurmountable flaws, too … that could not be overcome.

Like a lack of suitable restrooms and concession stands that led to extra-long waiting and considerable grumbling by the patrons … and led to the Atlanta Braves pulling their triple-A franchise when the city could not provide relief.

Enter Parney (“Don’t You Dare Call Me Todd Much Less Mr. Parnell”) and his upbeat, fun-loving staff promising “Fun is the key word” … then to prove it chose Flying Squirrels (for crying out loud, which many fans did) over such other finalists in a name-the-team contest as Rock Hoppers, Flatheads and Hush Puppies.

Granted, it took a while to get used to the silliness that became the official team designation, but we should have known it sounded almost natural compared to other Eastern League members such as the Yard Goats, Fisher Cats and Rumble Ponies  … and soccer’s leader in the clubhouse for goofiness, the Portland Hearts of Pine.

Sunday, an old guy in a motorized wheelchair tried to navigate through the congestion. No telling how many times he inadvertently clipped unsuspecting patrons who, nevertheless, apologized for getting in his way … when, of course, it should have been the other way around.

(He would like to think everyone seemed to be in such a good mood because of the occasion … and all the bells and whistles that went with it … they could afford to be understanding … except – believe it or not – the reaction has been the same everywhere … along with “Can I help” putting the chair in the back of your car? … reminding him there is some hope, after all.)

If only that could be true for the Squirrels, double-A farmhands of the San Francisco Giants who have provided some good players … just not enough of them. They haven’t won a playoff game (0-2) since 2014.

One good season in five should have potential fans looking for something better to do.  

Or, at the very least, demanding a change in affiliations … which has been mentioned, but not enough to persuade Major League Baseball, which runs the minors, to replace a West Coast team with the Washington Nationals. The Squirrels are a minor-league best (or worst, depending on your point of view) 2,872.5 miles from their MLB parent club.

Meanwhile, The Old Man in the Chair is stationed in the handicap section down the left field line … created (if we’re not mistaken) by a generous donation from DEION ‘PRIME TIME’ SANDERS, the result of being in town one stormy afternoon with Columbus.

Someone who looks (a lot) like FRANK HOPF, director of operations at Colonial Downs, which completed a successful but equally exhausting 41-day Thoroughbred meet fewer than 24 hours earlier, walks by and nods.

He came prepared, wearing an official Flying Squirrels’ shirt. A lot of people did, but there also were fans decked out in New York Mets’ No. 4 (LENNY) DYKSTRA and Yankees’ No. 25 (JOE) PEPITONE.

In other words, it was a cross-section of baseball, not all young (obviously), that gathered for Sunday’s festivities … and regardless of age seemed to have a good time on a perfect afternoon.

Your home team bowed 5-2 in extra innings. An error by the third baseman didn’t help. A couple of strong throws by catcher DREW CAVANAUGH did. 

(By the way, did you know the Squirrels led all of minor-league baseball in caught stealings this summer with 73 …. stat courtesy director of communications TREY WILSON, whose play-by-play is already Major League.)

Perhaps is was only fitting that a dumb rule that starts every extra inning with a runner at second base should backfire against the Squirrels when he was doubled up on a leadoff line drive to open the bottom of the 10^th … after Hartford scored three in their half of the inning.

When it was over, fans were invited to the field for a final time, and everyone was offered a packet of Diamond dirt. Memories are made of this. Hot Pants Parney doesn’t mess around.

Next year the team moves to CarMax Park, construction well under way about a Cavanaugh throw from The Diamond. First pitch is scheduled for April 7. 

The cost is expected to be around $110 million for a state-of-the-art ball emporium that probably will be more in the really upscale neighborhood of $130M.

“Our large fan base finally will be getting the ballpark you deserve,” DiBella said.

Check it out. The headline announcing the franchise sale Sept. 23, 2009 included:

“GIANTS’ DOUBLE-A CLUB WILL SPEND AT LEAST TWO YEARS AT AGING DIAMOND”

“Finally” indeed.